Being English in America? It's not ideal - not at all. English people don't like to complain, I mean we REALLY don't. We will suffer through the worst restaurant service or the most excruciatingly awkward social gatherings, even listen to European pop music without so much as a complaint. We are generally quiet and don't mouth off a lot. We are like the Greyhounds of the human world - We don't bark or crap your lawn a lot, oh and we run fast. This being said - you all need to understand this is not fun for us here!
Americans frequently tell me how awesome it must be to be English, but I am here tell you it isn't! I look at myself as pretty good case in point - I am somewhat educated, well spoken, modestly successful and do not suffer from any major social disorders etc (Aside from my hair, which is completely rubbish.) so you'd think I'd be fine right? Well..
A picture of my night yesterday - I recently moved out of my house due to being domestically challenged and am sharing a house with a very nice lady. Sounds ok so far right? Well, I was sick, and I don't do sick very well at the best of times. So I am lying there thinking to myself "Well, this is not good. No one called, no one checked in to see if I am alright or want a pie, nothing." So I thought to myself - "You know what? I am going to go and make some soup for myself - bugger you Arizona". So I limped over to the local convenience store in my barely fit for public sick-costume and I stand in line with my bread rolls and potatoes looking like crap I am sure. Next thing a guy I met once in a local bar sees me and shouts "OI!! 'Allo there, it's the Adios motherf@#$%r Bloke!"
Now.. at this point I should probably get to the main point of my post: I made the mistake some weeks earlier of trying to be normal and going to the bar for a drink - clearly a mistake. Whilst there I offered to buy my friend a drink (More about her later I will just call her "Work girl" for now) and she proclaimed her interest in a lurid blue beverage which is apparently known locally as the "Adios Mother F@#$%6r" - "Ok", I hear you say? Well there I am waiting at the bar. this is familiar ground to a Brit like me - We love standing at bars and ordering drinks, been doing it since I was 16. SO. Here I go - "Can I please have a pint of Guinness, yes Guinness, in a glass... yes pour the.. yes.. no not a can.. oh.. you only have cans? no taps? This is a bar correct? oh ok.. yes well I suppose that's acceptable and not at all uncivilized.. well a "CAN" of your VERY finest Guinness and an Adios Motherf@#$%^ please". Ok. Fine so far? No. Because apparently saying "Adios MotherF@#$%^" in an English accent is comedy gold to the average bar-person in Arizona. I mean he literally split a side - I literally made his night. I think he called his mum and dad to tell them. He almost cried. He bought me three drinks.
So anyway, back to the convenience store - All of a sudden while I day dream about soup and rolls the very same Bar-PErson shouts out across the store in a sort of excited moo "OI!! 'Allo there, it's the Adios motherf@#$%r Bloke!" - This is the worst thing you can do to an INFJ Englishman - make everyone look at him. But there I am, the entire store looking at me with an expression on there faces which I can only describe as "OH JOY! He's going to say something in a funny accent!! This will really make my day!!!" - to which I promptly went into my shell and did not start singing Dick Van Dyke, or say anything witty and foppish like Hugh Grant. No. I just said "errr Credit please mate" and left.
Exhausting, excruciating - and there is this sort of feeling of disappointment that I did not somehow say something really cool and English like "Make it so, number 2" or "One ring to rule them all Frodo" - Perhaps I should have gone to stage school. Perhaps that should be part of immigration? I am thinking of going everywhere dressed as a villain from an 80's movie - that might keep people happier. I don't know but whatever the answer I am pretty sure I am being grumpy today. Yes 7 says, 7 posts and 7 moods - todays is grumpy.
More tommorow. Oh yes, I've got lots more.
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